*Content Alert: miscarriage*
I found out about you on Wednesday and you were gone by Tuesday.
Most of the time in between, I spent dreaming of our future. Carrying you in my womb, having dad check what position you were in, listening to your heart tones with the stethoscope, working together during your birth (would your brother attend your birth or no?), would you have brown hair or blonde? Would you laugh at Hugh and the silly faces he makes? I imagined nursing you, fresh from birth, with some vernix on, watching you grow and learning about your personality.
And then you started leaving me. I should have held back, not imagined all those moments. I should have stayed silent and not held my belly with anticipation.
I first realized you were leaving very early Sunday morning, I got up to pee and noticed some blood on the white bedsheets. I was a little nervous, but, maybe it was implantation bleeding or something. I went back to sleep.
Throughout the morning, I did regular things: ate breakfast, showered, got Hugh dressed, went to church. At church, I went to the bathroom again, and noticed some mucus mixed with blood and felt more alarmed. I texted a few friends who I knew had bleeding early on in their pregnancies, asking for their experience. It felt nice to get their advice.
We came home from church, and I made snacks for choir. I listened to them sing and dad commenting on their vocals, while I started to feel the cramping intensify. The choir members left and I sat on the couch, feeling my cramps turn to contractions. I finally truly realized that these weren’t signals you were staying, but that you were leaving. The contractions kept coming, and I really felt like I was in labor. I was giving birth to you, but you are so small, I couldn’t even find you in the blood loss. Dad is taking really good care of me, I want you to know.
I loved having you here. I don’t know why you left, but I am trying not to blame myself. I water the plants and admire them when I feel sad. I try to remember that I am not alone in this experience, and to be grateful for the time I did have with you. I found a eucalyptus leaf that fell from Gram’s tree by the pond, it’s the size you probably were. So tiny.
Thank you for letting me be your home. I loved the time I got to be with you.
*I wrote this letter more than a month ago. Some days are still really rough, but I am trying to be grateful for what I did have. I bled and felt physically weak for a little more than a week afterward. It was hard calling the midwives I interviewed, but they were understanding. Ethan’s parents were able to watch Hugh for the first couple of days, for which I am so grateful. Ethan took me for Thai curry one night, and I am so glad he did.
The last few weeks I have been less resentful toward pregnant women, and for that I am so grateful. I . . . wish this was an easier experience. It takes my breath away, thinking about how much harder it is than I thought it would be (before this happened to me).
I told a friend what happened and she said she got some advice for when things like this happen: “to feel happy when you feel like feeling happy and to feel sad when you feel like feeling sad.” So, maybe you or someone you know is going through this, maybe that thought will help you like it has helped me.